"I" Messages-The Formula

So, tonight, I having been going to a class given at my church called "Loving Your Enemies." We have been discussing some ways to love your enemies. Tonight we discussed the idea of the "I" Messages and the formula around it.

(Funny note: I was looking up "I" message right now, and it sent me to a site at the US Department of State. Nice! It is here.)

Anyway, the "I" message goes something like this. The purpose of the "I" message is

1. When you seek to solve a problem rather that attach a person
2. You focus on the behavior and the feelings that these behaviors arouse
3. Express feelings that surround a problem as a means of transforming a conflict situation by arousing empathy in the other party.

The Formula:

When-- (Whatever happens, happens--it must be an observable action and not your
interpretation.)

I feel-- (an emotion and not a belief. An example, I feel hurt when... Instead of, I feel
alone)

Because-- (feelings come out of YOU and the person you have become through various
experiences in your life; explain the basis of your feeling rather than blaming the
other person or yourself.)

And what I'd like to see happen is-- (How both of you take into account other another's
needs, and work towards an acceptable solution
for each other.)


Wrapping up, I thought this was a pretty good idea to use instead of saying the dreading "you make me feel like....." or "you are a slob...." It starts conversation, instead of shutting the other person down automatically.

All in all, this was a good class tonight. Now, it is on to Criminal Minds.